The Courage to be Disliked · Michał Góral

Authors: Koga Fumitake, Kishimi Ichiro
Form: dialogue between Philosopher and Youth (inspired, as admitted, by the works of ancient Greek philosophers)
Adler’s psychology/philosophy (Adlerian theory)
- teleology vs aetiology - your future is not determined by your past; you only do things that you choose to do for some reason (although sometimes the reason might be unclear), not because you’re conditioned to do them
  - “it’s not what one is born with, but what use one makes of that equipment”
- “all problems are interpersonal relationship problems” - one can judge themself only by comparing with other people
- trauma doesn’t (shouldn’t) affect your future - it’s an excuse
  - I think the book oversimplifies traumas. Yeah, you decide how to deal with trauma and how it affects your present self, but in reality you’d better get a professional help sooner than later
  - author mentions how abusive parent might change when past trauma don’t affect your reconciliation attempts. This is theoretical possibility, but in reality most people are probably best to break ties with abuser. There’s no obligation to reach out to abuser just because there’s non-zero possibility that you become the best buddies.
  - TBF the book doesn’t deny the possibility of breaking ties or getting help as a response to trauma
- inferiority
  - feeling inferior is natural
    - healthy: I am poorly educated, so I must study more
      - life isn’t a race: advance yourself without holding back the others
        
        dangers of treating life as the race: one might start considering people around them as enemies
    - unhealthy: I am poorly educated, so I cannot be successful in life
      - this is often the excuse to not change anything
      - this might turn into inferiority complex, because you’re bound to stay in this same place (here: uneducated) when you don’t do anything
      - inferiority complex might turn into superiority complex, when one tries to compensate their inferiority e.g. by boasting about past achievements, friends etc.
  - inferiority complex leads to power struggles when one tries to prove their position being superior to the other person (often: child, spouse, friend)
    - example: ad personam during political discourse
    - this often leads to revenge of the other side
    - the only way out of power struggle: don’t take part in it on the spot (when you’re receiving side)
      - like WarGames: “Strange game. The only way to win is to not play it”
    - admitting fault or mistake is not defeat (see: life isn’t a race/competition, so you can’t win or lose)
- life tasks (“three social ties”): 3 relationships which one must confront
  - tasks of work
    - interpersonal relationships with easy to understand common objectives (e.g. publish the book)
  - tasks of friendship
  - tasks of love
    - love partners
      - Adler disagrees for restricting your partners (e.g. forbidding socialising with opposite sex)
    - family
  - life-lie: when one seeks fault at the other person to not form or end relationship with that person; one might even start seeing things which were always there (e.g. snoring)
- tasks
  - tasks are “everything” and aren’t limited only to physical tasks: working, tying shoes, learning, handling your emotions etc.
  - my tasks are only mine and no-one’s else
    - a saying from Judaism (not direct quote): if you live for someone else, who will live your life?
  - draw a line when your task ends and other person task starts
    - don’t interfere with other people tasks
    - this is closely related to what the freedom is: allow other people to handle their tasks as they see it fit
      - it’s ethical and simplifies your life
    - example: you can’t learn (at school) for your children. You may offer them assistance, but it’s ultimately their task to learn, because they’ll benefit from it, and they may accept your help or not
    - example: you can’t handle emotions for the other person. For example, you can’t force a happiness onto someone by lying to them, or you can’t take misery from someone by shielding that person from a miserable experience
  - with other people, especially close ones, you mustn’t be to close, but also you musn’t stray too far away
    - too close (blurry vision when reading a book analogy): you take their tasks for yourself
    - too far: not concerned about people at all
- communities
  - family, school, group of friends, company, world, universe, …
    - I like the idea that when there’s a problem with a member of community (e.g. a teacher who abuses their position), it’s good to have a look from a perspective o broader community (community of humans: you and your teacher are equal human beings)
  - people feel their worth when they feel useful for the others (their “communities”)
    - what about a sense of pride from your work which you do just for yourself or which doesn’t have any application (is useless to the others)? This can be s source of “worth”
  - horizontal (equal) vs vertical (hierarchical) relationships
    - the idea is sound (don’t compare yourself to the others, all people are equal etc.), but some details don’t convience me:
      - praising is judgemental and builds vertical relationships, so should be avoided. Use encouragement instead (simple “thank you”)
        
        this is built on the notion that peers don’t praise each other. I think this isn’t true. I praise my colleagues when I feel they did a good job. “Hey, nice one!” can show admiration to someone’s work.
        
        praising is also a form of encouragement in groups of equals, not only a “judgemental statement” used by “one with ability to the one without ability”:
        
        good job everyone - said by musicians
        
        nice photo - photographer to photographer
        
        good job not drinking for another week - AA members
        
        still, “thank you” is often enough for many situations where we typically praise the others